buddy duke

In 2008/2009 I became weary of myself. I began to lose control of my thoughts and was placed in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks due to a suicide attempt.

*Between 2008-2017 I was placed multiple times in psychiatric hospitals for my diagnosis of bipolar disorder. 

With each hospitalization, I was always committed involuntarily. Each stay was due to the mania part of the diagnosis.

I rarely took my meds. The times I did take my meds were during and a few months after hospitalizations. I had no choice in the hospital, and to be able to rehabilitate at home, i had to take them or I was to find another place to live. 

Most of the time I would start strong, but I gave up within a few months. The meds would make me gain a lot of weight, lethargic, very sleepy and extremely depressed. I always felt depressed. That's why I would always stop taking them. When I would toss them I would self medicate by using hard drugs, other prescription medication and alcohol. The vicious cycle would become more difficult to control, sending me right back into a psychiatric hospital.

I lost control of reality many times and was literally out of my mind. Looking back, it was a very scary time with many poor decisions, setbacks, and heartbreaks. I had a lot guilt, remorse and sorrow. To this day I struggle with the blurred lines of distorted memories and the reminder of the pain I've caused people.  

I have successfully found the right medication to help me live a balanced life. I have off days but I am on the right track. I thank my family and friends who have been supportive and understanding over the years. They all gave me space and time and never gave up. I am forever grateful for them all.

 *Each hospitalization I would go in singing with full of energy. Once the meds kicked in, I became silent and numb, and was able to be released soon after.

Update: It's now 2023, my mother has passed, I'm sleeping in my car/couch surfing,  and I am going to ASU for psychology to become a counselor psychologist.  

Life is filled with interesting challenges, but I will find a way to continue to pursue music. These setbacks weren't set backs, rather a tug on the shoulder to get back on track. 

I feel like the experiences I have been through have given me more meaning and purpose to life. To be more kind, forgiving, and understanding.

-Thank you