Rise up, turn it around
In 2008/2009 I became weary of myself. I began to lose control of my thoughts and was placed in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks due to a suicide attempt.
*Between 2010-2018 I was placed multiple times in psychiatric hospitals for my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
With each hospitalization, I was always committed involuntarily. Each stay was due to the mania part of the diagnosis.
I rarely took my meds. The times I did take my meds were during and a few months after hospitalizations.
I had no choice in the hospital, and to be able to rehabilitate at home, i had to take them or I was to find another place to live.
Most of the time I would start strong, but I gave up within a few months...
The meds would make me gain a lot of weight, lethargic, very sleepy and extremely depressed. I always felt depressed. That's why I would always stop taking them.
When I would toss them I would self medicate by using hard drugs, other prescription medication and alcohol.
The vicious cycle would become more difficult to control, sending me right back into a psychiatric hospital.
I lost control of reality many times and was literally out of my mind.
Looking back, it was a very scary time with many poor decisions, setbacks, and heartbreaks. I had a lot guilt, remorse and sorrow.
To this day I struggle with the blurred lines of distorted memories and the reminder of the pain I've caused people.
April 2021 will be three years with no crisis.
I have successfully found the right medication to help me live a balanced life. I have off days but I am on the right track.
I thank my family and friends who have been supportive and understanding over the years. They all gave space and time and never gave up. I am forever grateful for them all.
*Each hospitalization I would go in singing with full of energy. Once the meds kicked in, I became silent and numb, and was able to be released soon after.