Rise up, turn it around
In 2008/2009 I became weary of myself. I began to lose control of my thoughts and was placed in a psychiatric hospital for two weeks due to a suicide attempt.
*Between 2008-2017 I was placed multiple times in psychiatric hospitals for my diagnosis of bipolar disorder.
With each hospitalization, I was always committed involuntarily. Each stay was due to the mania part of the diagnosis.
I rarely took my meds. The times I did take my meds were during and a few months after hospitalizations. I had no choice in the hospital, and to be able to rehabilitate at home, i had to take them or I was to find another place to live.
Most of the time I would start strong, but I gave up within a few months. The meds would make me gain a lot of weight, lethargic, very sleepy and extremely depressed. I always felt depressed. That's why I would always stop taking them. When I would toss them I would self medicate by using hard drugs, other prescription medication and alcohol. The vicious cycle would become more difficult to control, sending me right back into a psychiatric hospital.
I lost control of reality many times and was literally out of my mind. Looking back, it was a very scary time with many poor decisions, setbacks, and heartbreaks. I had a lot guilt, remorse and sorrow. To this day I struggle with the blurred lines of distorted memories and the reminder of the pain I've caused people.
I have successfully found the right medication to help me live a balanced life. I have off days but I am on the right track. I thank my family and friends who have been supportive and understanding over the years. They all gave me space and time and never gave up. I am forever grateful for them all.
*Each hospitalization I would go in singing with full of energy. Once the meds kicked in, I became silent and numb, and was able to be released soon after.
Update: It's now 2023, my mother has passed, I'm sleeping in my car/couch surfing, and I am going to ASU for psychology to become a counselor psychologist.
Life is filled with interesting challenges, but I will find a way to continue to pursue music. These setbacks weren't set backs, rather a tug on the shoulder to get back on track.
I feel like the experiences I have been through have given me more meaning and purpose to life. To be more kind, forgiving, and understanding.
Down but not out.
This will be used to upgrade gear, studio time, gas to get to gigs, and also help assist get me back on my feet.
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